January 28
RONICLE
bigtips
How do I tell someone I can't write her a reference letter?
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
Dear Big Tipper,
I'm a high school teacher, and I work with students from the local junior college who come to do tutoring at my school.
One of these students is applying for a job which will put her in contact with young people, and I'm concerned that she behaves inappropriately with the students she works with here. I've heard rumors that she has invited some of them to parties, and smoked pot with them there. They're very close in age, but that doesn't make this sort of boundary crossing appropriate for someone in a supervisory position.
She asked me to write her a letter of recommendation, and I said yes, because that was my automatic response, but now I feel
gether long enough for her to feel comfortable telling you. Ask her.
Maybe she has a history of abuse, and she has a hard time with sex in general. You might ask her if there's anything you need to be extra careful of when you're touching her.
Maybe she's still sad about her ex. That'll move on, or she will. Maybe she's frustrated about something she can't tell you she wants or needs.
Give her lots of opportunities to talk. Ask her what she wants, and ask if you're doing it right. Or, maybe she's had a lot of bad sex in the past, and she's incredibly moved by how good you are to her. Keep up the good work.
BIG TIPS
like I don't want to endorse her behavior. Do I have an obligation to let her next employers know about this, or should I just write a halfhearted letter and avoid the topic? Mr. Crabapple
Dear Teacher, Teacher, Gimme the News, Imagine the last job you applied for. When you approached people for letters of reference, did you assume they'd say yes? Of course not. You do not have to write a letter of recommendation just because you were asked. In this case, if you have a concrete eve stories are true (some-
reason to
one you know was actually there), then you should just tell her you won't be able to write the letter for her, choosing whether or not to tell her why.
It's not your job to tell a future employer unless you feel like people are actually at risk. If she's making unwise decisions, they'll catch up with her.
High schools are intense rumor mills, especially on the enticing subjects of parties, drugs, and older girls. Is she a good tutor? Is this rumor the only concern you have? If so, tell her what you've heard, and give her a chance to defend herself. You don't want her to lose your support because of an unfounded story. On the other hand, if she's a crappy performer, or even just a mediocre one, why would you write her a letter in the first place?
Dear Big Tipper,
Every time my new girlfriend and I have sex, she cries. She says it's nothing, she's just emotional. Is that possible?
Dear Tears on Your Pillow,
96 Tears
Yes, it's possible that she's just emotional. It's also possible that she's allergic to your cat or your futon, and you haven't been to-
Dear Big Tipper,
My boyfriend and I are friends with a wonderful couple who we have dinner about once a month. We love them and really enjoy spending time with them, but the one who always makes dinner is a terrible cook. We all sit at the table, choking down the night-
mare du jour, and saying how wonderful it is.
Can his boyfriend possibly think the food really is good? How can we put an end to this excruciating social ritual?
Gag Me With a Soup Spoon
Dear No-Star Dining,
I hate this kind of question, because it makes me paranoid that every complimentary diner at my home is driving home afterwards, swilling Pepto from the bottle they keep in their glove box just for dinners at my place.
Of course, my insecurity is not your problem, beyond the fact that you just had to read those last two sentences. No one can tell the truth about what they are being served, unless he or she is your best, best friend, or she or he is nine years old.
You must always be gracious, because being served food, especially by people you enjoy being with, is one of the last commonly practiced social kindnesses, and we don't want to discourage that. If you're not concerned for your health (scratching your tongue on an eggshell doesn't count), suck it up and be polite.
That said, there are a few commonsense survival strategies that may spare you superfluous torture. Come up with a new food allergy or two, perhaps to one of the items your host is criminally unadept with. Send out for pizza, since it's been a long day for everyone. Don't meet for dinner: go to a show, or meet later for games. You guys cook more often.
By the way, his boyfriend isn't an idiot. Like the two of you, he just loves a terrible cook.
Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.
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